Just parrot things
You Might Also Like
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Cinematography is my passion
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Good dog. ❤️
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Siri just told me that traffic is light and I can make it home in 7 minutes. I am home. Where tf does she think we’re at right now.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.