Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
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I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Finally, an instrument I can play!
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
It’s crazy I need a certificate to prove I was born when you can literally just look at me
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
My daughter proved to be the smartest person in this house by going to bed at 8:30.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.