Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
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Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Microsoft word: “I’ll do anything to enhance your writing and editing experience, just ask”
Me: “I’d like to add comments to footnotes”
Microsoft word: “eat shit!”
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping
Bobby pin
I try not to tweet when I’m happy…because I respect you guys and what we do here.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Anarchy
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
thinking about this
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!