Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
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I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Always go for the Lonewolf, unless they are insane, then go for someone else.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
My kid put a bright flashlight up to his eye so naturally my response was to say, “Hey, I worked too hard to make that eye just for you to ruin it.”
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
sweet dreams💖
menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u