Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
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The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Cats are so graceful and light-footed.
[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
At George Orwell’s grave yesterday an American lady asked us how, if he died in 1940 (not the worst bit of this story), did he write a book in 1984…
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel