Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.

We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.

Please know that my definition of “busy” varies widely. I could be doing my taxes, but I could also be watching a random YouTuber make something called “hobo biscuits” out of three ingredients over an open fire next to an abandoned railroad track.

I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.

After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”

“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”

Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.

white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery

My tenant and his wife got into a huge fight last week and filed for divorce. He said “I’m bringing her Christmas gift back” then proceeded to drag a WRAPPED mop out the door and now I want to know more about this fight.

Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.

Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?

[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”

Shout out to humans as bipedals, positively freakish the way our posture’s all straight up and vulnerable. Nobody in the game doin it like we do

Fun tip:

Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.

*thumbs up*

the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one

Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal

agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin

So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.

[avengers trailer drops]

ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez

[john wick trailer drops]

ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER

Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998

If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.

[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf

urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there

My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?

Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.

cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly

Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.

Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?

Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly

Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.

“i miss shittin on people”

You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.