Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?

my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel

I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.

I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.

Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.

Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.

[if I was in horror movies, a thread]

jock: let’s split up

me: no

[holding a séance]

“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”

If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.

FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week

ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you

THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????

I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it

[Getting murdered]

Me: oh no

Murderer: yup

Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet

Murderer: oh no

until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity

Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.

My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.

That about sums up motherhood.

I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.

Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.

How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?

been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.

Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?

I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.

i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.

Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.

my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no

The Onion called it…again.

Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search