Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
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remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Dating app for hypochondriacs called Twinge.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
2023 was just a warmup
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen