Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
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Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
[on my deathbed]
“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”
*dies*
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Steam Forums
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
My last name is Zilla.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business