Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
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*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
well well well if it isn’t the bridge I said i’d cross when I came to it
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Practicing safe sax
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!