Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.

I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is

My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.

[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder

What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it

It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.

How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.

Water: can you do me a solid?

God: sure *turns it into ice*

*Standing in my shower*

I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.

God: Build me an ark.

Noah: A what?

God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.

Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?

WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.

i wonder why they stopped looking

My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.

*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*

Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.

I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.

I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.

I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.

Her: Umm…Where are you going?

Me: Walking the dog.

Her: When you get back, we need to talk.

* walks dog…returns 3 days later

“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”

The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.

20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys

30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car

40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids

Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.

One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.

Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower

Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.

“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”

Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.

Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?

Robocop’s guns malfunction.

Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.

Robocop loses his home.

Hobocop.

Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.