Just picked up half the middle school boys basketball team to take them for burgers after practice.
Not enough febreeze in the world to fix this car now.
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Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Challenge accepted.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?