Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
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Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
How dramatic are you?
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.
his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
getting cute, going outside and just f*rting freely because you’re too pretty for people to suspect you ☺️
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot