Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
You Might Also Like
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Yup.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.
“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”
I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
I think costco should be the next president of the united states