Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…

I like to move it.

But not move it move it.

Just the one move it.

My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.

Bakery worker: Can I get you something?

Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.

ME: I got us a custom headstone!

WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes

ME: Just read it

WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”

God: you’re a giraffe.

Giraffe: yay!

God: you have a very long neck.

Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?

God: uh-sure.

Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!

God: no-

Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.

God:

Giraffe: feels like 72 : )

HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.

PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.

HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.

PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.

“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”

want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever

Merry Christmas…in my pants

Happy New Year…in my pants

[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudoku

OTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku

ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy

Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.

going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan

Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes

I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.

I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.

When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.

What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?

working at a bank sounds so funny, what do you mean your company has 10,000 vice presidents

[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]

“Take me to your leader”

[30 minutes later]

Me: So, this is my wife…

I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share

My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.

Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.

You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.

Dear plastic wrap,

I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.

– me

doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on

A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?

smh

Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.

I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.