Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
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Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
My date wouldn’t let me drive him home after The Substance because “we haven’t been seeing each other long enough” for him to throw up in front of me. He literally just walked home in the rain to vomit with dignity. Five star movie.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
me: you were supposed to draw me one shape and divide it into equal shares….I see 5 cookies and…what are these?
student: dragons
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
This fish is cracking me up
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.