Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.

Her mouth opens, then closes.

The line grows.

I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.

So how many people have you murdered?

therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that

I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.

So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.

BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom

ME: uh yes, actually, I have

BULLY: Damn

ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone

I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.

the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever

pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest

me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x

pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here

me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands

You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder

There’s a word in modern Hungarian slang, egérmozi, which describes watching films (or shows) on your phone. It means “mouse cinema”

Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep

“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….

Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!

Me: Then why is there a hell?

Preacher:……

Me: Your move.

“Hi, I’d like to ask a question.”
“That’s why I’m here.”
“Actually, first I’d like to make a statement.”
“Sorry, this is the questions desk. You’ll need to take that to the statements desk.”
“Uh-huh and where’s that?”
“Not sure. I’d say ask them, but they don’t take questions.”

I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.

I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way

*finds baby on doorstep*

Me: Should…should we keep it?

Wife: …Let’s sleep on it

Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him

Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.

Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.

I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.

Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up

5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.

Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.

Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.

The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.

Me: I’ll be there in five minutes

Pharmacist: It should be ready

Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*

Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes

Me: I KNEW IT

Always a metermaid never a meter

Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds

I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again