Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
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skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Something in my kitchen is beeping quietly 3 times every minute. I can’t find it and it’s driving me crazy. My husband wouldn’t even hear it with his hearing aids in. I’ve never been more jealous of hearing loss.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.