Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
You Might Also Like
Good boy 😂😂
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
more water
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit