Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8

One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies

“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”

What kind of a cult is this?

Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.

“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”

I hope this email finds you-

Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close

BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”

BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”

Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”

Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?

Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome

The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.

Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.

I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years

I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there

In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.

Me: Knock knock.

Psychic: Ha! Good one.

vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry

The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….

….idiot….

They should make the last foot of dental floss red so you know when you’re about to run out

[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah

Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.

every time i talk it sounds like it’s my first time trying to speak

4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend

Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.

If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza

EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer

*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*

If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.

When did white people become such fucking pussies?

I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit

[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants