Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
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Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Something in my kitchen is beeping quietly 3 times every minute. I can’t find it and it’s driving me crazy. My husband wouldn’t even hear it with his hearing aids in. I’ve never been more jealous of hearing loss.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Brain: that was a good cookie
Body: here’s 4 pounds
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
HOW DARE YOU
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.