Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?

My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes

George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.

Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”

REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes

Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie

Devil: I’ve got an idea

[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles

A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.

Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.

I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.

Nobody:

Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”

[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out

[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]

*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go

[2 seconds later]

*lets go*

me: how can I impress my date

friend: take her to your favorite food place

me: ok

[later]
her: that’s was really nice

my mom: you’re welcome

Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?

5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?

I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.

My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.

The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun

My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine

Me: I’m not paranoid.

Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?

it takes so much energy

Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.

The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.

Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.

The game has officially changed 😎

Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.

[first date]

HER: ask me anything..

ME: are you paying for dinner?

I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house

Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale

Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus

local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “

911: what’s your emergency

me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.

911: what’s his location?

me: he’s 3 doors down