just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
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Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still