just pretend nothing happened
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You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Not messing around
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Kinda lame that pretending everything is fine isn’t working
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks