just pretend nothing happened
You Might Also Like
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
If you keep the house dark, not only do you save on electricity, but it also looks cleaner.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Never let them know your next move 😂
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!