Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
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So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
