Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails

7yo: Is that you in the picture?

Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?

9yo: You look different.

7: Yes, your face was skinnier.

9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.

Me: That’s enough fun for one day.

Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.

Went and got a new library card.

Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.

*Inspirational Tweets*

we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes

* charges phone.

Phone: wrong hole.

Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.

Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.

My 4yo, screaming at his little sister for touching his toy: I AM GOING TO SEND YOU TO JAIL

*looks at me, and I am frowning at him*

4yo: I mean…maybe I will send you to jail. Maybe not. We’ll see.

Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish

[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now

“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”

if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured

ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings

GENIE: dude

Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons

waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?

me: umm on a grill?

waiter: no how would you like it served?

me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please

[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?

Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?

Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?

Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-

Me: *slams door*

My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good

[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.

My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok

Me: I’d like a pumpkin ale.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE BEER

—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?

Me:

If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.

Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.

Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.

I went to the candle store today.

They were having a blowout sale.

Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses

Me: I can’t do anything right

Therapist: You’re in my chair

ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..

My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.