Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…

Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go

Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.

One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.

Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.

“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths

Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away

Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.

I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….

Hold on…Imma need a calculator.

Amazon Review: Ghost costume

⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not Recommend

Poorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.

Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.

I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.

(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?

Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.

friend: why did you take up running?

me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason

Stop

Oldest kid: [Sick]

Youngest kid: [Sick]

Wife and me: [Staring each other down]

Wife: [Sneezes]

Me: Hahaha there can only be one-

Wife: [Sneezes on me]

People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle

Me:

My cat: wow you sure nap a lot

I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?

Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…

Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit

Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”

“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.

My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno

sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight

after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen

*hops in time machine*

him: where ya going?

me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW

Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies

[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh

When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place

I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one

Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%

When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.