Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
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TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Cheer up.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Excerpt from my fantasy novel. Reminder to editors: new authors pour their souls into their manuscripts. Feedback like “Did you spend all your time inventing the elf language?” and “I think you spent too much time making the elf language” is NOT helpful
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
I told the family that I had to go into work for a few hours but I’m actually just sitting out in the shed eating a bag of Baconators in peace.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
It’s amazing how music can transport you to another place.
For example, this coffee shop is playing Justin Bieber, so I’m going to another restaurant.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
I thought you guys said carnival diet, not carnivore diet. I’ve been living off of corn dogs and elephant ears for the last 3 months and I feel like absolute shit.