Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox

Wife: Aw that’s nice

[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich

I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late

Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.

Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up

Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.

But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.

Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.

WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD

A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…

Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.

Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?

Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?

BOSS: why are you so late?

ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha

BOSS: well i was and i got here on time

just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye

You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine

I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.

I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”

sugar glider wrangler

Me: Know any potato jokes?

My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?

My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.

I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1

If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore

The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?

When libraries troll their patrons.

“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”

Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.

They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.

Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.

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anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group

sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you

the good: nice

the bad: cool

me: what’s it called?

Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid

If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.

Therapist: Go to your happy place

Me: Ok

Therapist: Good, where are you?

Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins

Therapist: I’m sorry, what?

Me: The beach, I said the beach

I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.

My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is