Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,

Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.

“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?

Sending my 6yo to law school considering how many arguments I’ve had to hear about why he should get to eat pumpkin pie today

ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..

APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable

A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.

Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you

“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink

Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it

Brain: This makes sense right now

Body: We’re on board

Pavement: Come at me bro

Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.

Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.

[Responding to a text I got 4 months ago]:

Yeah sure what time

I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.

*goes to bed at 5pm*

I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.

one time my uncle showed up to thanksgiving dinner with a leprechaun who was wanted by the fbi in 12 states & that night changed our family from being simple, uneducated hill folk to simple, uneducated hill folk who now knew a dangerous leprechaun

Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.

they should invent more hobbies for people without skills or patience

[playing guitar in hotel lounge]

Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?

Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?

Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito

The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.

[visit to zoo]

See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.

“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace

“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice

I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face

The plot thickens.

Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.

Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me

Her: like a mom

Me: haha exactly, and—

Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili

[being robbed]

Me: careful.. I’m ARMED

*whips out bible

Robber: lol

*pulls gun out of bible

R: oh

*pulls smaller bible out of gun

Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…

Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best

Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.

can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again

The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.

wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen