Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
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I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Room with a view.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.