Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
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They’re the worst 😩
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
i love modern commerce
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Chicken bread
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
All the stores are selling sexy women’s Santa lingerie because, as it turns out, a lot of dudes, and I mean A LOT, have a thing for Santa Claus.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
no one:
not a soul:
my daughter: if I ever get rich I’m going to buy a family crypt for all of us because we don’t want random dead people buried around us
The rainbow lorikeets outside my office explained that purchasing fancy new binoculars today to see birds better was probably unnecessary.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport