Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
You Might Also Like
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
OH. COME. ON.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.