Just pulled into a DQ drive thru for a blizzard. Dude tells me they’re out or Reese’s. I say no problem not your fault. He dead ass goes “that’s where you’re wrong. I do the ordering and I’ve been slacking.” ☠️ 😂
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20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
i’ve decided to handle this like a mature adult…i’m telling your mom
me: that teaching babies to eat airplanes will destroy us all. one day we’ll create a baby large enough to eat real airplanes and be unable to either destroy it, or explain the horror that sating it’s desire for num-nums would unleash
date: …neat. my greatest fear is spiders
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Please be delicate with me I’m built like a Nature Valley bar
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Needs to be a google maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots