Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
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A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Finally a use for spoilers…
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.
I know
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it