Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.

Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?

Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha

Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*

Geez man, take it easy.

Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.

2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting

My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12

[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]

Waiter: Your bill for-

Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?

Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one

this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one

*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*

Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open

Me: No problem

Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol

I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.

ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater

Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.

If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.

Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…

… free of charge.

a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”

[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12

Wanna know what it’s like being married?

Chain yourself to a wild animal.

Now kick the animal.

Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.

I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.

Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.

“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”

Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.

Little Red: I’m going to grandmas

Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy

Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?

Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun

There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.

MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.

Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?

Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car

When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.

*calls lost & found*

Me: Have you seen my patience?

L&F: Hold on a second.

Me: *click*