Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
You Might Also Like
when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Just seen a wild goose, think I’ll chase it. Surely this will be a fruitful endeavor
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Just been made aware of the fact that some people are unironically referring to the General Election as the Jenny Lec and, I’ll be honest, I’m not coping too well with this awful information.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier