Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
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i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
My 3y/o is the only girl at her small daycare. I was thrilled when she started talking about her new friend Piper and how much they loved to play. Every day for months: Piper this, Piper that.
Finally I asked the daycare lady about maybe scheduling a playdate.
Piper is a cat.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Secret admirer got a raise! Finally, decent chocolates.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”