Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.

No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.

It kinda feels like this rn

Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?

The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.

I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on

My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster

Me: *on the toilet*

2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!

Me: I’m downstairs!

2yo: Oh… *runs off*

Me: Why have I not tried that before?

dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?

i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb

People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.

my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words

We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.

Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?

WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.

I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.

ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?

Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.

*looks at you in batman voice*

Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”

Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.

my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”

anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine

Dad: What do you want for your birthday?

Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.

Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.

I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”

Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.

Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.

Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…

Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses

My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.

[eyeing a beautiful woman]

ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants

HER: they look terrible on you