Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
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Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
This story is comedy gold 😂
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Perfect.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.