Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
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moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Him: It’s only a 20 minute hike. Why do you insist on so much bug spray?!
Me: Keeps the murder hornets away
Him: There’s no murder hornets in our state
Me: Then the spray is working
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Cleaning your kids room will piss you off cause why is my Air Fryer in here.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
I wanna be friends with this person
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.