Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
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Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this