Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
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The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
CRYING
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?