Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sneaking up behind people and marrying them

*wife looks through my phone

*divorces me 8 times

[First Date]

*staring up at the stars

Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”

Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”

*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops

Had a spot of bother earlier.

If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.

That’s probably where I’m selling it at.

Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.

All my life lessons were learned by watching people who took my advice.

Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.

[working at the DMV]

Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?

Boss: *sweating profusely*

you left your water bottle on the roof of the car. oh wait, never mind, it won’t fall. the babies holding it

[NASA March 1970]

Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?

NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!

[NASA April 1970]

[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]

Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.

It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds

Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?

Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.

“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”

Job interviewer: Three references is fine.

What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”

I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.

I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.

barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand

:/

[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]

me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down

My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.

My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.

When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…

Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right

If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.

<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?

Me: no

I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.

me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]

mortician: sir

[Couples therapy]

WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.

THERAPIST: And you, sir?

ME: She’s always in a bad mude.

oh my god