Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.

the avengers: “the city is saved”

the city:

Can Happiness buy money?

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*

Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’

Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*

Satan:

Me:

Satan: Give it back…

Before 40: stretch to prevent injury

After 40: injure self during stretching

[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]

“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”

*covers it with towel*

“ok now it’s safe”

When can I start eating bats again.

Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.

Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.

me: babe come quick

wife: what?

me: just hurry

wife: no, it’s always something dumb

me: not this time

*wife walks into living room*

me: i put the dog in a suit

wife: i want a divorce

me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator

I’m a pediatrician.

Oh, so you’re into feet?

Uh no…children.

Isn’t that illegal?

My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.

I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.

She’s an animal in bed.

i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related

I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.

Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!

Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear

Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?

[Quarantine]

Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.

Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?

Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES

My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.

gandalf:

jesus:

gandalf:

jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too

gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff

me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.

7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –

me: shut up

watching gymnastics

The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.

I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.

I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them

my retirement plan is braless

Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.