Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know

Negotiator: I need proof of life.

Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.

Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?

Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.

I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you

You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.

I hate it when you ask what you thought was a simple question in a meeting at work, and it turns into another meeting.

What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…

when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.

[at the spelling bee]

moderator: your word is parole

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: depends what you’re in for

I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.

When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.

Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink

“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*

“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*

“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*

Whoa 😂

Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever

*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.

Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married

My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.

My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers

“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”

Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.

Women have all the answers to all your questions.

And you don’t even have to ask.

Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.

mandolin: finally a violin for men

Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.

Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.

cop: you know why i pulled you over

me: …no ?

cop: come on dude

me: maybe i had a few too many–

cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk

me: i–

cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there

Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person

When libraries troll their patrons.

Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.

Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?

And that was when I knew he was the one.

Travel bloggers during quarantine