Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
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If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend… especially the mom that many years ago was leaving a very busy playground and her kid yelled to his brother “hurry up! Mom wants too poop pretty bad!”
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all