Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet

Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan

Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying

My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”

The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.

Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.

Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up

Son: I want to be a dinosaur

Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.

Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president

I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.

(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)

Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?

(walks out)

Genie: I want infinite bananas

Banana Salesman:

Genie: Do u see how annoying that is

Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?

Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly

Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.

me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive

interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?

me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else

Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.

Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters

[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor

This is my emotional support yacht 🎀

im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!

My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”

Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.

I stand incorrected.

Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.

You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.

The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.

My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.

flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode

optimus prime: i can only do “truck”

I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.

when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.

There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.

My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts

Happy thanksgiving!

How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin