Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
You Might Also Like
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Bands are always like “here’s another song” yeah no shit that’s pretty much all you do
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Finally, an explanation.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”