just put in my notice at work and my boss was like, “oh, so do you have another job lined up?” and i said, “no. i just don’t want to work here anymore.” and reader, when i tell you how loud the silence was after that….
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Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like a little treat from your past self, sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like it was planned by a malevolent buffoon, hellbent on crushing your morale
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.