just put in my notice at work and my boss was like, “oh, so do you have another job lined up?” and i said, “no. i just don’t want to work here anymore.” and reader, when i tell you how loud the silence was after that….
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Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
I’d like to rescind my Christmas wishes to my sister-in-law, Jessica, who got my kids a 100 peice indoor fake snowball fight kit.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!