Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.

My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better

Him: I’m leaving you

Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though

I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!

*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.

Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?

Me: *defensively* I have been using-

Wife: Not as a coaster

Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink

I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does

Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!

[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*

Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.

Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.

Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.

Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.

Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money

Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.

I’m definitely a ten

…tative 4

My pics are real.

I don’t use any filters.

I don’t even use coffee filters.

I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man

Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.

You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me

IT support is currently working on fixing the problem. Thanks for your patience.

I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.

I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.

The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.

I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top

Genie: I grant you three wishes.

Bob: I want to be rich.

Genie: Granted.

Rich: I want a lot of money.

me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met

her:

me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape

Cashier: Have a great day

[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}

Me: I have bad news

Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.

I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant

I wrote myself a note to be more organized. It’s here somewhere.

This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.

dr: we had to remove your colon

me why

9: Can I rent an otter?

Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now