Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”

Dating Profile

Sex: Probably

Favorite Food: Yes

Favorite Movie: Star Wars

Favorite Book: LOLZ

All right then, keep your secrets

To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.

The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.

Mars: I have a boyfriend

My Husband said I really shouldn’t use my SUV as a laundry hamper or shoe storage.

He hasn’t said anything about the fries between the seats, I guess a cafeteria is fine.

[taking my date for a walk in the woods]

HER: this sure is a dense forest

ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell

Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?

Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what

Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.

9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself

[Hall of Justice]

BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham

SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet

AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp

Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.

Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour

Kay’s emergency department tape rule:

If a farmer shows up with electrical tape on something, it absolutely needs sutures.

If it’s duct tape, it needs surgery.

I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.

Me: *brings home new puppy*

My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!

I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like

eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it

I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.

I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭

Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”

My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.

I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.

Just parrot things

I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.

Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon

My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.

Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless

I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.

4 pm:
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9 pm:
9:59 pm:

12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow