Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
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what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
surfer priest: so, like, jesus & his bros were at dinner one night & he stood up & said, “the one who doesn’t order the fish tacos is gonna, like, totally betray me,” & his bros were all, like, “no waaay, we wouldn’t do that,” & judas was, like, “i’m sooo sick of fish tacos.”
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”