Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
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[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
🤣
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
When libraries troll their patrons.
S O O N
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
next level snooze
channeling her this year
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics