My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
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“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Leaving the Barbers like
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Lmfao