Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
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Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
the joy of watching bob’s burgers on Disney+ is slightly diminished knowing Mickey is legally allowed to hunt me for sport because I signed up for the streaming service
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*