Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
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[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Good dog. ❤️
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
crazy
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
extremely cute girl at chic fil a gave me 4 free food vouchers bc i “seemed cool” then told me she was off in 15 minutes and i just said “hell yea” and left
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.