Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes
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Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
it takes so much energy
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Sponch
I SAID YES!!!!!! 💍🥂🥳🎉 i asked myself if i wanted a breakfast burrito.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.