Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes
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Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
you should be able to donate somebody else’s body to science
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
Happy Caturday!
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
3 Changes I’d Make to Improve Google Search
1. Nobody uses the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button so replace it with a second “Google Search” button
2. Remove the now redundant first “Google Search” button
3. Add a fun new button beside the Google Search button named “I’m Feeling Lucky”
lol is punctuation and LOL is laugh out loud
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”