Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes
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when nothing goes right… go left
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
2022 be like
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.