Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes
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Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…
“Constant super-vision”
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*