Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
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Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
This kid will have a bright future.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Me as a therapist: omg same
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
this is the best day of my life
Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Oops 🤭
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.