Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
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One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
The honesty is refreshing
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
4yo was mad that I sang the “wrong” lyrics to his version of Baby Shark. Then:
4yo: Mommy, I’m sorry I was rude to you.
Me (🥺): Oh, baby, thank you for apologizing. I forgive you.
4yo: Now YOU say YOU are sorry.
Me: …why?
4yo: 😠 Of being RUDE and singing the WRONG WORDS.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
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