Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
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ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her
The fall of Netflix
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Body by cheese-puffs.