Just read an article that said, “As the 2030s loom nearer,” and it was so rude.
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They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
hate when you tell a hilarious story and then everyone’s like “omg im so sorry that happened to you?????” like get with the program honey we’re laughing about this
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Might fuck around and respond “sorry, I’m on a bye” if my family asks me to do anything this week.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.